Calling Home
by Gideon Noir,
Staff Cottonwood GuySince the summer is a little slow down here in the Baja, I thought you all might want to listen in on a recent call from my daughter.
“Hi honey”
“Hi Dad”
“How are things in California? You still seeing Dale?”
“California is fine and his name is Dave.”
“I know”
“Yes we are still seeing each other.”
“This must be serious, what’s it been a year now.”
“Two months, dad, it’s only been two months.”
“Jesus, you must be pregnant by now.”
“What?”
“Either that or you fixing to eat him.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Well, back in high school your relationships didn’t make it past the second date. They called you the black widow.”
“Who called me the black widow?”
“What’s his name, Tom?”
“You mean Ted?”
“I guess.”
“Ted was a conceited jerk.”
“Yea, but he had a job and a car.”
“Dealing drugs from the trunk a stolen car does not qualify.”
“I thought you said your mom liked him.”
“Mom was just glad I was dating a guy.”
“Oh, yea, I remember that was when she found you out you were the President of the Thespian Club.”
“When did he tell you I was called the black widow?”
“At the NRA banquet.”
“He can’t own a gun he’s a felon.”
“I guess I better get back that 9 MM I sold him after the banquet.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Didn’t you say Doug is a cop?”
“Yes DAVE is a police officer.”
“You think he’d like to join the NRA?”
“That hasn’t come up yet.”
“It’s recruitment time again. If I get 10 people to sign up I’ll get an autographed picture of Charlie Heston.”
“How nice.”
“You should let Devon know that every self-respecting peace officer should join.”
“It’s Dave, his name is Dave.”
“I can’t help that.”
“D-A-V-E. Dave”
“Hell, there’s got to be a whole bunch of gun people down at the police department. You think I could get you to have Brian pass out some applications down at the station.”
“I don’t think the department will let BRET do any recruiting while on duty.”
“Maybe he could pass them a round at one of their drinking parties, what do you call them, choir practices?”
“They don’t do that and besides, he doesn’t drink.”
“What?”
“He doesn’t drink.”
“Oh for Christ's sake. I suppose he doesn’t fish either.”
“What’s that got to do with anything?”
“Drinking or fishing?”
“Either one.”
“Well what am I going to do to entertain Darin when he comes to visit.”
“I don’t recall inviting Dave to come home with me.”
“Why? Do I embarrass you?”
“Not most of the time.”
“Christ, Honey, Larry’s son-in-law, Lance, is a sky diving instructor. He's a former Green Beret and a hell of a good shot with deer rifle. How am I going to explain to Larry that Derwood doesn’t fish or drink?”
“It’s DAVE Dad, and I never said he didn’t fish.”
“Lance can fish like a monster.”
“Lance is suicidal. It won’t be long before he takes a ride out of the airplane in a chute packed with a bed sheet. He’ll probably come down with his deer rifle shooting everything that moves.”
“I think your being a little harsh. Anybody can fall asleep in their car in their garage.”
“Twice?”
“He’s holding down two jobs.”
“What’s that drinking and driving.”
“Easy now, honey, he’s got a family to feed.”
“Several from what I hear.”
“Now you know what I taught you about repeating rumors.”
“Dad, I know for a fact he slept with every girl in our senior class.”
“Including you?”
“He was afraid I would eat him.”
“That’s what I love about you. Dinner’s ready. I got to go.”
“Love you too dad, talk to you later.”
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