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by Blodwyn Smythe, Political Ethics Reporter

SEDONA: ?I have never seen a gathering this diverse and dedicated,? exclaimed Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric. ?I have been witness to the coming together of every race, creed, education, pigmentation and religious inclination, all with a common purpose,? he continued, standing in front of a throng of reporters, admirers and onlookers gathered in the courtyard of El Portal Sedona, one of Sedona?s premier inns. ?By now, most of you are aware of the illegal alien invasion on industrialized nations across the globe. But I?m not talking about border crossings where jobs that no one other than the border crossers are taking. I?m referring to the massive invasion of undetected illegal aliens dropping in on us from another galaxy, far more advanced than our own. They will take on human form and steal jobs white people might want and are entitled to by birthright,? Sir William shouted to a shocked and awed crowd.
?If they are so superior to us, why would they come here just to take the high-paying, low-skilled jobs away from us,? asked a reporter from some national magazine with a rapidly dwindling readership.
?They?ll take the jobs as a cover, so they can stay here, drink our oil and basically go unnoticed,? He explained. ?You see, these extraterrestrials guzzled all the crude oil on their own planet and, suffering from addictive withdrawals, have searched the universe far and wide for the tasty, thick, black booze.?
?Are you saying they drink the stuff?? continued the reporter.
?Glad to see you?ve been paying attention, sonny,? Sir William fired back, with a smirk and a wink. ?I have been in contact with the heads of NASA, who agree we are facing an invasion of epic proportion. If these aliens are not stopped immediately, they could drain the entire world?s oil supply, forcing the alternative fuel and energy industries to actually move beyond the planning phase. Oil prices would skyrocket, making the Canadian dollar worth nearly as much as U.S. currency. Can you imagine?
?What happens when they suck out all the oil and have to turn to tequila to get their fix,? he went on. ?All the puking, shaking reptiles, masked as humans, will clutter our ailing health care system in desperate need of expensive drugs and, once again, force a turn to Canada.
?To combat the aliens, the United States pentagon paper pushers are considering reinstating the draft, which, in turn, would incite a bunch of people to relocate temporarily to Canada, leaving some Capital beltway movers and shakers to assert that the whole invasion thing is nothing more than a Canadian conspiracy,? Sir William declared.
The press conference assemblage was stirring with anxiety and confusion, much like any other press conference these days. ?At the start of this, you said something about a large gathering of great importance. You aren?t referring to this group are you,? asked a reporter from Sedona?s small, other paper. ?Please elaborate.?
?I did and no, I?m not,? responded Sir William. ?I was referring to the phalanx of people from around the globe huddled around a natural gas campfire in Boynton Canyon, in Sedona, sometimes alluded to by high military muck-a-mucks and a handful of politicos as Area 53.71.
?Out of concern for our beloved Sedona, which right now appears to be the landing site of choice, these valiant representatives of the human race keep a stalwart eye on the open sky and the canyon, all at the ready to repel the alien intruders. They?re kind of like the new border minutemen, except these people have jobs and are armed only with their wit, their charm and their sense of humor,? he continued.
?Are we to believe someone from every country is sitting around a campfire waiting to subdue extraterrestrials with witticisms and slapstick,? asked some guy.
?Not every country. There?s a woman with a pottu on her forehead representing Hindus, a British sectarian, an Asian, a Rastafarian with dredlocks, a South American, Muslim, Christian, even a French guy - you get the idea. These people can be found locked arm in arm, cooking Smores over campfires and singing Kumbaya. When the rogue aliens arrive, the earthlings will combine their wits amplified by Sedona Vortex energy and convince the intruders it would be in their best interest to find new spirits or head home. Little do the aliens know how willing people of this planet are to fight for oil.
?A psychic has had a vision of the alien clan. They call themselves, ?Stupidity.? Now repeat after me, Stop Stupidity! Stop Stupidity!?

Above is a tank used by the new minutemen patrolling U.S. southwest borders. The driver was DWI, driving while ignorant.