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by Blodwyn Smythe, Futurama Reporter

SEDONA: "A mass exodus leaving Sedona, heading for Cornville or parts unknown. That's what the tea leaves show." Such were the words of Gene Vixen, world renowned psychic and part-time waitress. "I see hundreds of backpacks, Volkswagens, bicycles and U-Haul rentals," she continued. "Some people are crying, some laughing, some chanting and some cursing. They seem to be most affected when passing by one of the many new banks or pizzerias." When asked what was causing the apparent escape from what appears to be a hostile environment, Ms. Vixen stated that she could envision a group of people new to Sedona, calling themselves Sedona Optimal Businessmen, or SOBs. When pressed why the group seemed to be made up of only men, she replied that women were more nurturing by nature and only recently adopted cutthroat traits to compete with their counterparts. "The SOBs are determined to change the demographs and the landscape of Sedona in one foul swoop," she spewed, raising her voice and her arms simultaneously. "The grand plan seems to be to make Sedona like Aspen, a playground for the rich and famous. The only things missing are the live theater, digital storytelling and Cultural Park. Oh yeah, and snow to bring wealthy skiers here 6 months out of the year to spend some of that hard-earned cash." Her concern about the people she saw leaving Sedona was that they were mostly working-class and retired. "I see many of the SOBs buying up mobile homes and older, smaller homes at what seem to be outrageous prices - $250,000 and more. The SOBs then tear down the original structures and replace them with large, imposing houses. The sad part is the poor schlemiels who sell out think they have made a windfall, but that amount of money can only buy them another mobile or old, small home in Rimrock or McGuireville. Of course they could buy a very nice home in the hills of the Ozarks, but then they'd have to learn to eat hog jowl, play banjo and walk barefoot." Still curious as to the cause of the mass exodus, Vixen was asked what the deeper force was behind the movement. Vixen explained, "The force is precisely it. I see my good friend, Page Bryant, who claims to have discovered the mystical energy forces in Sedona known as the Vortices some years ago, coming back here and claiming that the Vortices have left Sedona for good, or bad, depending on your point of view. All the psychics, clairvoyants, mediums, palm readers, New Age followers and believers in the paranormal were forced to pack up their favorite smudging sage, crystal balls, magic wands, their tarot cards, ear candling kits and eyes of newt and were all heading down 89A in a relatively orderly fashion. "Ordinary people who failed in other positions in life, only to become Gurus in Sedona, were back to being ordinary people again. Philanthropists who had donated land to the self-acclaimed Gurus wanted it back, realizing it was now worth millions to condominium developers. I see former Gurus now playing guitar on street corners, with a permit, and passers-by tossing coins in their cases. "As it turns out, in my vision the SOBs buy up all the affordable housing in Sedona, not realizing that the Vortex energy was directly linked to the metal structures. It seems there was a symbiotic relationship between single-wides with an open floor plan and the power emitting from some of the crimson rock structures. Every time a mobile was torn down, energy was sucked out of Sedona. Eventually, all the magical and mystical forces of Sedona had disappeared, vanished, splitsville." Knowing that not all psychic predictions come true, Ms. Vixen did suggest there were some things the politicos of Sedona could do to save the Vortices and the city from becoming a ghost town loaded with inflated real estate. "To declare Harmony and Andante areas Historic Districts and limit the reconstruction to ten percent of the original structure would slow the SOBs down. Selling the Cultural Park and land, but making the developer build a 400-room resort, with convention center and open space park would entice tourists looking for more than a red rock tour. Electing a council with a vision for Sedona couldn't hurt." With that, she dumped her green tea leaves in a cup, pouring water over them. "Vision's fading. Cup of tea?" she offered. "I can't say with certainty where Sedona is going, but I do see a large number of people making a giant handbasket."