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by Blodwyn Smythe, Undercover Bird Tour Reporter

SEDONA: "Look. Just over there - there's a raven peckin' at some road kill. You can't see that on a rubber raft at the Grand Canyon. Now when y'all go back home tell your friends about your wild bird experience and send 'em our way for the adventure of a lifetime." Such were the words of Joe Bob, one of the tour guides at Billy Bob's Sedona Wild West Bird Watching Tours.
An hour later people were sitting on rocks, eating day-old muffins, sipping Yoo Hoos through straws and giving Joe Bob the back of their hands to be stamped in lieu of a certificate. When questioned about the red rubber bird inked onto a guest's hand, Joe Bob explained that his company was keeping prices down and saving the environment at the same time. "You can still get a paper certificate, but it'll be extra."
More than a little stunned, the tour group, booked through Sedona Smuggler's Timeshare, Info, Tour Bookings and Prickly Pear Elixir Inc., climbed back into their open-air, convertible VW bus. You could hear the disappointment through the whispers as they rode back to their respective timeshares and resorts, waving their hands to push back the exhaust fumes. "Sorry 'bout the smoke," choked Joe Bob. "We're savin' up for a new van. We tried pluggin' the hole with a beach towel once, but then we couldn't start the darn thing."
Some among the tour group were amazed that this company was doing business. Others were upset that their booking agent would recommend such a for-the-birds tour company. And one couple from England stated that they were going to demand a full refund, angered not only by the sole sighting of a feeding raven, but by Joe Bob hitting on his wife.
No one at the bird tour company or booking agent's office knew that I was undercover on this trip after being tipped off by numerous decent, hard-working, reputable bird tour companies tired of losing bird watching business to less-than-second-rate shysters stealing their customers just because they refuse to offer outrageous commissions.
Some years ago, Sedona concierges at resorts and hotels made all the bird watching reservations for their guests as part of their hospitality services. Visitors would go on an avian tour and usually return raving about the birds they viewed, the professionalism and knowledge of the bird guide and the attention given to detail by the company they toured with. The concierge could then expect a gratuity from the visitor and tour company out of appreciation and for services rendered. Nowadays, the word on the street is that Billy Bob has been bragging about the number of tours his company conducts daily due to his policy of paying half of the booking fee to the agents up front. The agent, making referrals under the guidance of their employer, still gets their 10%, about the same amount they got in gratuity. Their employer gets the rest. Of course, tourists could book bird watching tours themselves simply by reading an Excentric or visiting a Chamber Visitor Center, where volunteers have to refer all member bird watching businesses, or they could go to a local watering hole and ask for guidance from plenty of self-acclaimed experts. But instead they rely on someone who is getting paid for recommendations.
This system has become so widespread in tourist towns it has even drawn the attention of the Chinese government. While visiting the White House recently to discuss democracy, capitalism and the exploitation of the labor force with the current President Bush, Li Ruihuan, chairman of the Ninth National Committee of the Chinese People?s Political Consultative Conference (CPPCC), got wind of Sedona's great success in convincing unwitting tourists they just took the best bird watching tour Sedona has to offer. After spending a week in Sedona studying the commission system, Li told a member of the press traveling with his entourage that he was convinced more than ever that his government could palaver their people to buy Chinese automobiles, convincing them that they are the best vehicles in the world, if not the universe. Li said every time someone shopped for a car, the salesman would tell them the Chinese-made car is better than Ford, GM and Chrysler and show them pictures of automobile accidents with those brands. By paying the salesman to keep the buyer from test driving competitors' cars, sales of the Chinese vehicles are a sure bet. If this ploy succeeds, the French are seriously considering reopening auto assembly plants - with a 3-day workweek, of course.
What's next? Lobbyists paying commissions to politicians?

Above is a picture of Li Ruihuan, chairman of the Ninth National CPPCC. Some conservatives say it's really Al Franken.