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by Blodwyn Smythe, Political Ethics Reporter SEDONA: ?By now most Americans, have heard that Domino?s Pizza founder, Thomas Monaghan, is attempting to influence a new town being built in Florida. Monaghan says the city will be governed according to strict Roman Catholic principles. Stores will not sell porno mags, pharmacies won?t carry condoms or birth control pills and cable television will have no X-rated channels. The pizza magnate plans to bankroll the project with $250 million - that?s a lot of five-dollar pizzas.? So stated Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric, to an excited crowd gathered between Sedona Pottery and ILX Timeshare Resales.
The town is being constructed around Ave Maria University, the first Catholic university to be built in the U.S. in 40 years. Both are set to open next year in southwestern Florida. The town and the university will be set on 5,000 acres with a massive church and the largest crucifix in the nation, nearly 65 feet tall. Monaghan envisions 11,000 homes and 20,000 residents.
?While many are preparing for a legal showdown,? Sir William continued, ?some things just don?t make sense. All these regulations, but no building height ordinance. And, if there will be 11,000 homes and no birth control or abortion clinics or planned parenthood established, how come they expect less than 2 people per household??
Meanwhile, in Sedona, controversy erupted over the recent council and mayoral elections, requiring the guard to come in and place the city under full quarantine. ?It?s like Marshall Law here,? said one disgruntled resident. While many Sedonans agreed that this election had a full field of qualified candidates, no one ever learned what kind of person each really was or how they would lead citizens to a better and brighter future. Instead, the election was hijacked by a number of self-serving organizations, previous mayors and the local media. Rather than forums where audience questions were the focus, many events were set up to get the candidates? stance on a few divisive issues. The two leading questions blasting the future leaders were about their opinions on a scenic area designation, involving the city, a village and two counties, and a bridge not involving the city at all. Other questions about infrastructure, tax assessments, increasing tourism, funding and building a multi-function center, reopening the cultural park, supporting the humane society, recycle center, library, arts, and myriad other necessary social projects, as well as solving the ancient on-going sewer woes were glossed over with less than a completed sentence offered per candidate.
Former mayors puffed up their plumage requesting the sate transportation office alter the SR179 plan approved by the majority of the residents, prompting ad hoc parties of citizens, some coming from reputable organizations, to respond with their own form of unsolicited hubris. As if this individual, one-issue posturing weren?t enough to dissuade even mail-in voters, the local media Ambien writers got involved with their own version of story telling, publishing half-tales of truthiness, maligning groups individuals belonged to by suggesting guilt by association and printing letters targeting people never interviewed, preventing balanced and unbiased reporting.
Some people took it upon themselves to unfairly influence who will represent the entire population, causing the guard posts to be set up at the three entrances to Sedona stopping all incoming traffic. Those wishing to enter must complete a questionnaire. Guards are looking for people with a sense of community and a willingness to cooperate and compromise, to maintain a quality of life long-time Sedona residents would appreciate.
?The shame is the candidates all behaved far better than the citizens. We say we can?t trust our politicians, while the truth seems to be that we can?t trust ourselves. Candidates are willing to put their time and energy into a thankless position for years to come to represent ALL the people of Sedona,? noted Sir William, ?not just the ones for or against a road, for or against a scenic area, supporting or opposing a grocery tax, a traffic signal, a crosswalk or highway lighting. Multi-tasking is necessary to be an effective city leader and represent its residents properly.
?I summoned the Rational Guard, armed with the Bill of Rights, the City Charter and a current issue of the Excentric, all symbols of a once-free and sovereign Sedona.
?Future elections shall all be decided by rock, paper, scissors.?

A picture of a clandestine meeting in the dark of individuals posing as a group of concerned citizens taken in the dark would have been here, if, of course, it hadn't have been dark.