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| Heavy Petters!
by Joseph G. Evrard,
Staff KentuckianYou’re never too old to learn! (I always enjoy starting a column with a unique and profound insight.) The other evening I was porch settin’ with my cat, Buckshot, when he turned to me and asked why I hadn’t used my petters on him lately. Intrigued, I asked what in the world did he mean by “petters?” His answer provided a fascinating glimpse into the workings of the feline mind.
It seems that cats are very much aware of the differences between themselves and humans. That awareness includes realizing that we have things at the ends of our arms that are different from their paws. These things we call “hands” are known in Catlish (the language cats use) as “petters” because God put them there for us to pet cats with.
True, we use our hands to perform thousands of functions from building houses to scratching our noses to holding fishing rods to, well, whatever you use your hands for. You know your hands better than I do. To a cat, however, there is only one true, pure and noble purpose for which a human uses hands: TO PET A CAT!
Yes, opening cat food cans is a close second, but definitely not as important as petting. To honor this concept they have selected the word “petters” to refer to our hands. Reflecting on this concept soon led to my wondering how cats would phrase many of our common expressions. For example: “Police say they caught the thief red-pettered as he ran out the door.”
“Hey, buddy, this load is kind of awkward. Can you lend a petter?”
“And that ends our school talent show, ladies and gentlemen. Let’s give all these fine children a great big petter to show our appreciation!”
“M&M’s milk chocolate melts in your mouth, not in your petters.”
“Okay, Lefty! We got ya cornered this time. Don’t make any false moves. Drop the gun and come out with your petters up!”
“We take pride in bringing you the finest petter-tossed pizza you’ve ever eaten.”
“We congratulate the Senator for having his big petter in bringing this dream to reality.”
“Willie was so proud of his new clothes. It was the first time he wasn’t wearing petter-me-downs.”
“Patriotism and respect for the flag are demonstrated by standing and placing your right petter over your heart during the playing of the National Anthem.”
“Hurry to your local True Value hardware store for these petteryman specials.”
“Are you tired of rough, dry chapped petters? Try Jergen’s lotion for fast relief!”
“Sitting at the poker table, Jim’s heart raced as he studied the petter he’d just been dealt.”
“Leading with two-thirds of the vote, officials have declared Jones the petters-down winner.”
“The bailiff entered the courtroom with the prisoner bound in pettercuffs.”
“I think you are cute,” she said as she slowly ran her petters through his hair.
“Frank just hired a new farm petter.”
“Always remember to wash your petters before supper.”
“Okay, I’ll go along with your plan, Jake. After all, even I can see the petterwriting on the wall.”
“After the accident I ran my petters down my body, checking for broken bones.”
“Many liberals in this country want to outlaw petterguns.”
“Okay children, when Mickey’s big petter is on the 12 and his little petter is on the 3, what time is it?”
“Our new horse is seven petters high.”
“His blood ran cold as he realized that his attacker carried a nine-inch knife in his petter.”
“How many of you in the audience have ever told you a little white lie? Come on. Let’s see a show of petters.”
“Gosh,” sighed Susan, “he sure is a pettersome guy!”
“Looking for a job on the river? Ingram Barge is now hiring deckpetters.”
“Crane operators and riggers communicate with petter signals.”
“Master cabinetmakers pride themselves on a petter-rubbed finish.”
“Persian petter woven rugs command substantial prices.”
“He’s not afraid to roll up his sleeves and get his petters dirty.”
“As the squall line approached, the command rang through the ship. All petters on deck!”
Well, I could go on and on (something, thank goodness, I never do) but I guess you get the point by now. If you don’t, there’s nothing more I can do to help. It’s out of my petters. I gotta go pet Buckshot.
See ya around,
BUCK
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