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May, 2007  The Slightly Sane Satire Of Sedona,  The World & Beyond Since 1989!   Vol 18, Issue 10

Excentric
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Curmudgeon Corner

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj?un), n. [origin unknown]
1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man.
2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner.

This month's subject: MONEY

“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov

“More and more these days I find myself pondering how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits.” John Nelson

“Gentlemen prefer bonds.” Andrew Mellon

“We didn’t actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure.”Keith Davis

“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.”J. Paul Getty

“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need if I die by four o’clock this afternoon.” Henny Youngman

“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” Oscar Wilde

“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.” Franklin Jones

v “Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” Rita Rudner

“As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway places. When you’re grown up, a credit card does it.” Sam Ewing

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.” Dorothy Parker

“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.” Nick Arnette

“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a huge research staff to study the problem.” Bill Vaughan

INSIDE THE NEWS
by David Fidelman

GIDDY UP NEWS: A woman who went for a horseback ride through Sylvania, Alabama allegedly used the horse to ram a police car and was charged with driving under the influence and drug offenses. The woman was charged with DUI for allegedly riding the horse under the influence of a controlled substance. She was also charged with drug possession, possession of drug paraphernalia, resisting arrest, assault, attempting to elude police and cruelty to animals. She plans to use the horse's ass defense.

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME NEWS: Metallica may be a cool name for a heavy metal band, but a couple from Stockholm, Sweden is struggling to convince officials it is also suitable for a baby girl. Officials from the Swedish National Tax Board denied the application and gave a list of acceptable Swedish names for girls: Gunilla, Wendela, Petronella. They sound like names of heavy metal bands.

REALLY NOT MILITIA NEWS: A family’s plan to open an obstacle course for tanks and other armored vehicles on the outskirts of Waseca, MN has some neighbors concerned. Customers would drive tanks, scout cars and armored personnel carriers through an obstacle course that would likely feature small hills and varying terrain and then have an opportunity of shooting target practice at the proposed indoor or outdoor firing range. Rumors are the course will be named after General George S. Patton.

LEGAL NEWS: A woman is suing her dance partner, claiming he dropped her on her head after flipping her into the air at an office party. Lacey Hindman, 22, was a victim of “negligent dancing,” says her lawyer, David M. Baum. Hindman claims that her dance partner grabbed her and tossed her, and then she crashed to the wood floor. Maybe her partner intended to dance the baseball dance and the other person didn't catch her. Is there "negligent person pitching?"

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The world is nothing but a vast, concerted attempt to catch you with your pants down.
J. D. Smith

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