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by Blodwyn Smythe,
Sedona Secret Stuff Reporter

SEDONA: On the heels of Colin Powell's recommendation that the Guantanamo Bay prison camp be closed, a high source in Sedona has suggested it be moved to the former Sedona Cultural Park.
At a hastily called press conference held yesterday at Bistro Bella Terra in the Romanza Room, Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric, explained the highly controversial proposal to a crowd of anxious reporters and onlookers.
"I hastily called this press conference to explain the highly controversial proposal to move the Gitmo prison camp from Cuba to Sedona," Sir William declared. "First, I'm going to tell you why the camp should be moved and then I'll take your questions.
"As you all know, CIA detainees, by contrast, are held under separate rules and far greater secrecy. Under a presidential directive and approved by administration lawyers, the CIA is allowed to capture and hold certain classes of suspects without accounting for them in any public way and without revealing the rules for their treatment. The roster of CIA prisoners is not public, but current and former U.S. intelligence officials say the agency holds the most valuable al Qaeda leaders and many mid-level members with knowledge of the group’s logistics, financing and regional operations. "These people need to be given legal representation, tried for their offenses and punished accordingly. With that done, we can move on and use the new Sedona camp to house high profile people like Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Mel Gibson, Nicole Richie, Naomi Campbell and others, like lobbyists, whose social behavior is unacceptable and in some cases illegal.
"To avoid light sentences by namby-pamby judges who party with the celebs or their parents, we're calling the Sedona camp, Community Service and have designed special rooms that can hold special cases called Time Served, Probation and House Arrest. Since many of these characters seem to be allergic to paying their dues for misbehavior, when they get sentenced to Community Service, instead of stabbing loose paper with a sharp stick, they'll be coming here.
"At Community Service, jailbirds will have to serve the community of Sedona before being released and unleashed on the heretofore unsuspecting public. "I'll take some questions now."
"How will Sedona have jurisdiction over people sentenced in other states," asked a new reporter from Sedona's small, other paper.
"Most of the offenses take place in California and New York and I am good friends with both Governors Schwarzenegger and Spitzer," replied Sir William. "I expect extradition will not be an issue, since most of them will be sentenced to Community Service, and that's what our detention center is called."
"Who will try the Gitmo cases," asked some guy from some fledgling local magazine.
"We're going to let the feds take care of those cases. We expect they will go by quickly, as the alternative to a trial is to turn the prisoners over to Sheriff Joe Arpaio, and even the most hardened terrorist doesn't want to face him or his Tent City," Sir William exclaimed.
"What kind of punishment will the Community Service inmates get? After all, they will be serving their time in one of the most scenic cities in America," piped up an onlooker.
"First of all, let's remember that views of the red rocks are only visible during daylight hours. That was one of the flaws with the original amphitheater. Valuable time and money was spent on exterior superficialities and not enough concern was given to the artists and the audience's audio experience. With that in mind," Sir William continued, "I have recommended that the inmates work to improve the living standards in Sedona during the day and enjoy the views from their cells at night."
"What kind of work do you have in mind," asked the same onlooker. "I suppose those sentenced to Probation could clean the kennels at the Humane Society of Sedona. The ones given House Arrest might separate glass and plastic and pound down the cardboard at Sedona Recycles. while the credit for Time Served incarcerated may direct traffic at the arts and crafts shows along Highway 89A," answered Sir William.
"Do you have a warden in mind," asked some incredulous reporter. Sir William retorted, "Sure. I was thinking Tony Soprano." With that, Sir William gestured to the crowd, swilled his Bombay gin martini and ascended into his waiting limousine.