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by Blodwyn Smythe, Designer Religion Reporter

SEDONA: Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric, addressed a curious, buzzing swarm of reporters and onlookers alongside the rose bushes in the parking lot of Sanctuary Skate, yesterday, October 4 regarding the rumor that the actor Tom Cruise has purchased the former Sedona Cultural Park.
"I have summoned you to discuss the rumor that the actor Tom Cruise has purchased the former Sedona Cultural Park," Sir William began. "First, the Sedona Cultural Park is not for sale at this time. Second, if Mr. Cruise were to indeed purchase the Cultural Park it would be because he was trying to help us sell the vast number of luxury and outrageously priced homes in and around Sedona by turning it into an open air Church of Scientology. And, finally, Mr. Cruise could be putting some of his altruistic influence behind the idea of turning the Cultural Park into a Benefit Park where proceeds from performances would be donated to charity."
"That all sounds interesting, Sir William," shouted a reporter from Sedona's small, other paper, "but how would converting the park to a church actually benefit the real estate community?"
Sir William raised his Bombay gin martini glass and answered the impetuous, young reporter. "It may be because of the number of Hollywood types rumored to be moving here who follow his religion's tenants. Eminem, Priscilla Presley, Kirsty Alley, Colin Powell, Celine Dion, John Travolta and a host of other successful people are alleged to be Scientologists. Sadly, only those with their kind of financial acumen can now afford to purchase a stick-built home in Sedona."
Sedona is already home to more than 28 churches, representing as many different religions. Not to mention the Aquarian Concepts Community and OSHO. One of the only religious groups not represented in Sedona are the Zoroastrians. John Lennon would find these facts hard to Imagine.
Tom Cruise, actor, L. Ron Hubbard follower and outspoken critic of psychotherapy and antidepressant medication, has been in the spotlight after jumping up onto Oprah Winfrey's television studio couch heralding his love for Katie Holmes, and for firmly informing Matt Lauer that Matt knew nothing about psychiatry while stating that there was no such thing as a chemical imbalance. And the Top Gun star was dropped by Paramount, citing his erratic behavior. Brooke Shields told Jay Leno earlier this month that Cruise came to her house and apologized for things he said about her on the Today Show.
Sir William refilled his glass from a pitcher stored in a Mission Impossible cooler. "It may be that Tom Cruise is coming simply because he feels so bad about all the things he has said and done and is searching for a good hypnotherapist or psychic to confess all his troubles. There are myriad reasons influential people come here. Some even visit just because of the scenery.
"Look," Sir William continued. "No one knows if Tom is purchasing the park or if it is just another rumor started to throw zoning commissioners a curve ball," explained Sir William after a few gulps. "I even heard that the Cruise rumor got distorted like the Telephone Game. It started out as a rumor from some high muck-a-muck in the Capital Beltway that no one wanted the Cultural Park any longer. Someone claiming to know Congressman Rick Renzi said some defense contractor was buying it to create a missile silo. From Sedona, they would be able to launch Cruise Missiles at California or Nevada. See the connection? Cruise Missiles and Tom Cruise?
"Speaking of Renzi," he continued. "Wikipedia states he bought a house in Flagstaff to claim Arizona residency and run for the District 1 seat created. At that time, he had lived in Virginia for over 20 years. The father of 12 claims his children are his reasons for voting against stem cell research. Some would say any man who has sired that many children should be a poster boy for comedies, Clozapine or condoms.
"Get this," he said laughingly. "Someone just said they heard the park was purchased by Penelope Cruz, an avid animal lover, for a new cat house. There's Cruise Missiles, Tom Cruise, Penelope Cruz."
"This is all pointless, as the muted park may become the world's largest cricket field. The city has the bats, the owners certainly have the balls and the residents are left holding the sticky wickets.
"Hey, while you're here buy your kids some cool athletic shoes or a skateboard." With that, he gestured to the crowd and ascended into his waiting limousine.

Above is Tom Cruise, former husband to Mimi Rogers and Nicole Kidman, practicing being on the other side of the camera.