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by Blodwyn Smythe, High Definition Reporter

SEDONA: Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric, sat on a flat rock in the middle of Oak Creek recently playing strip rummy with a bevy of beautiful women when, without warning, his eyes rolled back into his head and he began to speak in a deep voice with a pronounced Michigan accent. One of the nearly naked rummy players immediately recognized the former editor and Sedona Excentric staff originator, Morris Keller Horowitz. "Too much stupidity, bureaucracy and stupidity is destroying what used to be a decent place to live," Sir William groaned.
"Hey, is that really you, Morrie," asked a scantily clad lass.
"You bet your tube top, honey," replied Sir William in a little higher voice, his Birkenstock covered foot slipping into the frigid creek.
"Are you talking about Sedona, Morrie?" another beauty braved.
"I'm taking about the planet," he declared. "Take North Korea, for example, ruled by some whacko, Kim Jung Il, with a Napoleon complex. To rein him in, all the U.S. Congress has to do is threaten to force WalMart, who stocks their shelves with Chinese goodies, to pay all their employees a fair wage, give them health insurance and forty-hour workweeks, unless they threaten China with product order boycotts, until they convince North Korea to abandon all nuclear proliferation. Sadly, Congress worries too much about getting reelected to their part-time job with permanent pensions, health benefits and cushy perks from the multitude of lobbyists and defense contractors."
"What about disproportional pay between corporate employees and CEOs," asked another babe.
"CEOs should be paid salaries agreed upon by the employees, unless they own a free paper.
"Something else bothering me is the lack of taking responsibility. Children cheating on exams and their parents whining to remove the teacher who penalized them. And the politicians, celebrities and talk show hosts who blame all their indiscretions on alcohol, pain killers, child abuse or chemical or hormonal imbalance."
"Wow, those are some pretty darn heavy thoughts for a guy who used to stand on his head and drink beer upside down," offered the dealer.
"I suppose. I do miss those days in Sedona. On a lighter note, let me tell you how happy I am that this city has disposable income to give to yet another committee for another study. I'd have thought after a $100,000 traffic signal move study and a big buck opera house feasibility discourse that lessons may have been learned and money for recycles, the library, animal adoptions and arts programs might have been allocated. But no! Someone lifted the community mattress, found the hidden stash and formed a new committee to study if an alternate route to and fro Sedona is needed. A route lying outside the city's corporate limits that would have to be approved by the county and paid for with county and state funding.
"Seems like a good time to ask them to fund a study on the effects of laughter on unsuspecting tourists who read the Sedona Excentric and take the stories verbatim. I think $150,000 should be given to James Bishop, Honorary Excentric Staff Dignitary, to determine if Excentric readers are more likely to relocate here because they think Sedona would a fun place to live, thereby increasing real estate sales and adding to tax revenue.
"Imagine if the city had taken this study money and paved a portion of the sewer plant land and expanded the shuttle system to include more than a shopping ride. Maybe the Sedona Cultural Park would still be considered a viable entertainment venue. But I digress. I remember watching former mayors let the big time developers turn this sleepy bedroom community into a monopolized megalopolis, creating fewer and fewer commercial land barons, owning more and more of Sedona, and more of Sedona businesses.
"Sometimes I wonder if people forgot how to have fun, spending all their waking hours contriving ways to make more money and hurt their competition. I recall throwing darts at Judi's, chatting with friends at Humphries, grabbing mini burgers at Shugrues, dancing to the music of the Rice brothers at the Wrenwood until early morning (with no fights), marching down 89A for St. Patrick's Day, and visiting artists' open studios year round. What happened to this town? But then we have been rated the state with the stupidest people, huh?
Sir William shook like a wet puppy, his eyes now fixed on the bemused rummy players. Looking down at the cards in his hand, he smilingly said, "Gin."

Above are lighted trees from a past Red Rock Fantasy celebration at Los Abrigados Resort & Spa.