Links

by Blodwyn Smythe,
High Definition Reporter

SEDONA: Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric, addressed an anxious horde of reporters in front of the festively lit fountain at Los Abrigados Resort & Spa. The resort was displaying their 16th Annual Red Rock Fantasy. He had hurriedly called the press conference to explain the sighting of Santa Claus at an undisclosed location near Sedona.
"Someone has leaked top secret information regarding the recovery of Santa Claus," Sir William began. "Accused of overworking elves, Santa has checked himself into one of my private spas. He should be fully recovered in time for Christmas, Boxing Day and Kwanzaa. He may miss the beginning days of Chanukkah - no gelt for you. Further," Sir William declared, "Santa deserved some much needed rest after these many decades of delivering gifts throughout the world."
"Is there anything to the rumor he may have had an inappropriate relationship with one of the elves at Santa's Toy Shop," asked a reporter from Sedona's small, other paper.
Sir William took a deep breath. "Where do you guys get this stuff? A disgruntled Moon Elf was demoted from Motorized Riding Cars supervisor to the assembly line of Tinker Toys for making unwanted advances on Mrs. Claus. He claims to have turned whistle blower about unfair working conditions at the North Pole. Santa, of course, denies everything, claiming the elves are treated like they were his own children, giving them sugar cookies, candy canes, and plenty of fish and peas. Even the Great Ak and members of the Council of the Immortals agreed that the charges seemed to be politically motivated and seriously questioned the timing of the disturbing allegations."
"Is Santa in one of those fancy weight loss, detox, iridology spas," asked some guy.
"No," snapped Sir William. "I know about the new spas supposedly coming here, offering everything from Botox injections to laser mustache and tattoo removal to collagen lips and butt implants. Someone told me about a new Vinotherapy Spa for pampered lovers of the grape and wealthy winos. I even heard the rumor that a mobile liposuction spa was cruising the back streets of Sedona until they got busted by the Environmental Protection Agency for illegally dumping the sucked out fat."
"What kind of person would solicit a mobile liposuction spa," asked a more promising reporter.
" People with too much money and not enough brains. The ones whose spouses tell them which candidate to vote for. The ones who think the Democrats won because tobacco bans forced Cuban cigar rollers out of work and into manufacturing rigged electronic voting machines for America.
"There's a spa custom fit for every quirk and quack imaginable. There are family spas, pet friendly spas, gay spas, irrigation spas, juicing spas, holistic spas, adventure spas, even dental spas. Dick Cheney used to go to a quail hunting spa that has since been converted to a lawyer hunting spa, complete with rose petal baths for relaxing after a bagging your attorney with buckshot," Sir William declared laughingly. "Foodie treatments are the big thing now, people wrapped in chocolate or maple syrup. Some places offer champagne pedicures and caviar and pearl protein masks. When is it over the top?"
"Someone mentioned you owned a spa in Rimrock. If so, who's your clientele," asked some wise guy.
"It's a double-wide with a group room for television viewing and Chinese Checkers. Everyone gets a Ginger Snap at check-in and it caters mostly to celebrities and wayward evangelists. Next week we're hauling it to Cornville for an upgrade in scenery and doubling the price. What is wrong with you people? It seems like you get your information straight from the horse's other end." Sir William smiled. "My spa's location is secret to protect the privacy of my guests. We offer food, beverages and normal spa amenities for normal clientele."
"Can we please get back to Santa Claus and the mystery of his sighting," a reporter with bladder issues rudely asked.
"Santa Claus is just fine, thank you. He is getting a make-over and a long-deserved rest. He denies any wrongdoing and is anxious to face his accuser in court if necessary. He is still confused over some of the items on his wish list from many Sedonans. Something about a huge number of requests for a decent Multipurpose Center and Cultural Park Amphitheater."
With that, he gestured to the crowd and ascended into his waiting limousine.

Above is a Dude Ranch Spa visitor taking a ride along a mountain top. The horse seems to be a little nervous about the cliff's edge.