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by Blodwyn Smythe,
Full Coverage Reporter

SEDONA: A horde of reporters and a cadre of onlookers gathered in the parking lot of Cliff Castle Casino in Camp Verde on a recent hot summer morning to learn the details behind a proposed nude beach in the Sedona area. Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric, had called the press conference to, according to an agent close to Sir William, better inform the public.
"I have called this press conference to better inform you of my plans to open a nude beach in the Sedona area," Sir William shouted to an excited and sweaty crowd. "Having lived here for more than twenty years, and having watched the pattern of visitation and business advertising for lo those twenty years plus, I can state with confidence that this area needs a serious fiscal boost in the summer.
"Everyone complains about the heat, but no one does anything about it. After many different unsuccessful attempts at lowering the temperature June through August, including investing in giant misters, I decided Sedona would be better served by embracing the heat and inviting the millions of visitors who worship the sun and appreciate a good view."
Sir William went on to reveal his plan to establish a nudist beach that would be open to the public, charging only a parking fee. Other than the absence of swimsuits, there would be nothing to distinguish it from a traditional beach. People would carry the usual beach chairs and coolers, inflatable canoes and plenty of sunbathing lotion with a high SPF.
“The bare facts are we will do everything possible to make it clean, safe and enjoyable. Since Sedona is mostly an adult playground we expect to run into little opposition from those that feel such venues would be harmful to their family values," Sir William stated. "Most nudists I have talked with consider themselves naturalists and stress the fact that their freedom of expression through nudity has nothing to do with sex. Pitching woo will not be allowed at the beach and violators will be clothed for life."
Sedona, about 90 miles north of Phoenix, used to draw many weekend visitors from the south in years passed looking to escape the extreme heat. With temperatures climbing in every region of Arizona during monsoon season, fewer people venture to experience a reduction of some ten degrees or less. Sedona has also long been known for the Slide Rock Park swimming hole located in Oak Creek Canyon. But the Slide Rock parking lot fills up early and often, leaving relief seeking visitors few alternatives to beat the heat.
"What beach front have you discovered that will support your proposal," asked the newest reporter from Sedona's small, other paper.
"No discovery necessary, sonny," retorted Sir William. "I plan on purchasing much of the land around the Sedona Wastewater Treatment Plant and its effluent. The City of Sedona's focus at the reclamation plant is 'evaluating alternate beneficial uses for our reclaimed water and implementing projects to reduce energy consumption.' That's where we come in. I plan on taking that pristine, filtered water and pump tg into holding ponds, and with a canal system, submersible pumps, strewn rocks and sand, create a nude beach. Everybody wins," he continued.
"Maybe not everyone," shouted a man in obvious opposition later identified as a 75-year-old resident living near Posse Grounds. “We all have our personal feelings about this nudist beach. I won't ever go down there and neither will the missus,” he said. “Most of them nudies are fat old men like me. Who wants to see them in the buff?”
Sir William smiled, "I thank you for that visual. I do, however, wonder how you know who goes to these nude beaches. I have never been to one myself, but as a conscientious business person, and lover of Sedona, I am obligated to pursue any legal business venture to help bolster the local economy."
“But," piped the reporter, "Many people feel if you want to be naked in private, fine, they just don't want to see any stuffed, plucked chickens prancing in front of others.”
Sir William raised a hand to calm the now slightly nauseated and more sweaty crowd, "There are a plethora of traditional swimming holes, lakes, rivers, creeks and streams out there for your everyday user to enjoy," I am just looking to provide a new source of revenue."
With that, he gestured to the crowd and said, "Gort, Klaatu barada nikto." Then he just disappeared.

Above is a photo taken at night of nudists parading around a private beach in Florida. It's dark due to no flashing regulations.