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by Blodwyn Smythe,
Varoom, Varoom Reporter

According to the online source, Wikipedia, "The National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing (NASCAR) is the largest sanctioning body of stockcars in the United States. The three largest racing series sanctioned by NASCAR are the Sprint Cup, the Nationwide Series and the Craftsman Truck Series." Now Sedona is working hard to add the Sedona Vortex Spinners Cup.
Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric, has, for years, been courting officials and big-named drivers from NASCAR, the second most popular national sport, to convince them of the viability of an annual racing event in Sedona, AZ.
A hastily called press conference was held at Troia's - Sedona’s Italian Grille and Rotisserie, where locals and visitors alike have enjoyed delicious food from Sam and Rosanne Troia since 1997. Sir William gathered reporters from as far away as Camp Verde to learn of his plans to bring NASCAR to Sedona.
"I have gathered you here so you may learn of my plans to bring NASCAR to Sedona," he began. "I know many of you are just hearing the news that NASCAR is considering expanding its number of races around the country and I put in a bid for Sedona," he continued. "I have exerted all my influence to secure a spot for our fair city. Let's face it, since the demise of our Sedona Cultural Park, we have been relying on the vast talent of our artists, the fair of our fabulous restaurants, the amenities of our luxury resorts, the escorts of our well-informed tour companies, the mystique of our metaphysical society and the majestic beauty of our red rocks to lure visitors from around the globe to our special city.
"Add NASCAR to that list and you've got something for everyone. To date, we have been catering to people who appreciate the finer things in life. We have been ignoring the value of catering to a group of people who appreciate the sound of high-powered engines being revved at full speed, the smell of spilled fuel, the taste of American brewed twelve-packs, the joy of watching cars run in circles for hours while spitting tobacco in plastic cups. These people spend millions of dollars each and every year and Sedona deserves a fair share of their booty."
"Sir, are you just being diplomatic about saying that Sedona is missing out on the redneck dollar," asked a new reporter from Sedona's small, other paper. "You said it, not me," shot back Sir William. "I may have used the more respectful term of frontiersman; or maybe undereducated, blue-collar, rural American making less than $50,000 per year; or perhaps even Cornvillian, but not the derogatory term of redneck. That's reserved for comedians and Rush Limbaugh."
"Where in Sedona do you plan on building a racetrack large enough to house a NASCAR approved event?" a reporter from a school newspaper from Camp Verde pondered. "I mean even International Speedway Corp. (ISC) has been having difficulty getting approval for new venues."
"In my twenty years of hastily called press conferences, that's the most intelligent question I have ever been asked, young lady," Sir William responded. "It's all about timing. I plan to build the racetrack at the abandoned Cultural Park site and the adjacent vacant land. The Sedona City Council could certainly use the big bucks these races will bring in. And, I have already anticipated complaints from the usual Sedona whiners."
Sir William pressed on, "I can minimize the loud noise by digging a big hole and sinking the track. The cars will be retrofitted to run on the pull of the vortices with occasional thrusters to be used for passing. We will only sell beer from Oak Creek Brewery and wine from Javelina Leap Winery. The stadium will have a glass dome with a state-of-the-art ventilation system pumping stale air to be vented at the sewer plant."
"How would ISC feel about you moving into their field of expertise," asked some guy.
"About the same way Budweiser drinkers feel about guzzling beer owned by Belgians," he answered.
"How do the drivers feel about your proposal," asked another guy.
"Drivers were rushing to sign up to race in the Sedona Vortex Spinners Cup. They were already looking for sponsors best representing Sedona, like team Viagra and team Depends," laughed Sir William.
With that, he gestured to the crowd and shared a pizza and some wine with Sam and Rosanne Troia.

Above is a photo of a box seat at a racing event in West Virginia. Patrons pay upwards of $20 for the view and boxed lunch.