Links

by Blodwyn Smythe, Beam-Me-Up, Scotty Reporter

SEDONA: At a recent surreptitious meeting of some of the world’s foremost scientific minds hosted by Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric, rumors emerged of a new covert tour company to be headquartered in a clandestine area somewhere near Bonyton Canyon in Sedona, Arizona.
The gathering of these geniuses was held in the glass enclosed dining area of the popular Mexican restaurant, Javelina Cantina. No one was to know the subject matter discussed at the assemblage of Sir William’s luncheon. While reaching for the pitcher of margaritas, someone accidentally spilled the beans. While cleaning up the messy, refried piling, an industrial spy, familiar with the inner workings of Sir William Randolph’s empire, disguised as a waiter, recorded a portion of Sir William’s plans and leaked them to this reporter, who, in turn, convinced Sir William to give this exclusive expose.
“Well,” Sir William began, “I have summoned you here to make sure that the true story gets told and not some one-sided snippets of hearsay and innuendo.” “As you well know, Blodwyn, there are quite a few millionaires and billionaires who have recently received unwarranted performance bonuses and bogus retention incentives who are being hunted by the government, hounded by the media and stalked by the general public, including their tailors, dry cleaners, manicurists. limo drivers, barbers and a few plastic surgeons.
“These poor rich people, and others, like some politicians with ethical issues (from both sides of the isle), a bunch of overpaid athletes and a handful of celebrities need help. So, I decided to create the Vortex Vanishing Vacation tour company for high-value visitors with dire circumstances.”
He paused to pour from a flask into his coffee cup. As it was just sunrise, I refused his offer to join him.
“Sir, many of the people you have described currently vacation in Sedona. And some even own second or third homes here. What would make your tour company so special and why the secret meeting with the scientific community?”
“These tourists’ needs are quite unique. While many people have come to Sedona to find themselves, these people are coming here to get lost. My brilliant Research and Development team recently stumbled on a revolutionary process we will call demolecularization. We can take the particles of a human being and, without damaging them much, separate them into fragments so tiny they can’t be detected by the human eye, or any other animal’s eye, which is important.”
“Wow!” I said, dumfounded.
He continued, “Wow is right. It’s like splitting the atom, only trickier. We zap people into sort of a controlled oblivion, a living limbo. I got the idea one day while watching a remake of The Fly. Did you know, all things futuristic originated from a novel, movie, television series or comic book? Of course, there’s extraterrestrial technology, but I am not at liberty to discuss that - top security."
I pressed for him to explain the meeting with the scientists outside his empire and what they offered beyond his research and development team.
“To date, we have been able to conceptualize the theory of using vortex energy to make a human fragmentize and disappear. We were seeking advice on bringing them back in perfect form, personality flaws and all.”
“When you fragmentize someone, where do the molecules go?”
“Right now, we plan to store the molecules near McGuireville, AZ, since nobody ever goes there looking for anything in particular. We will take the micro particles and spread them from the air in a crop dust pattern, like scattering invisible ashes from an urn. We anticipate some complications brought on by these unusually high winds. It’s possible some people’s parts may get temporarily misplaced. In preparation for that prospect, we are erecting a fence covered with local honey to collect any dispersed molecules. We are also working on devices to enable us to detect that human data from that of bee poop.”
“What if people desire a transmogrification upon reentering?”
“Altering physical or personality traits at recreation may prove to be a challenge. But, we will offer the addition of a conscience for a few extra bucks, though I doubt we’ll get many takers, at least with the first batch - former treasury feds.”
With that, he gave me a gesture and then just seemed to disappear.

Above is a picture of one of the vanished Chief Executive Officers from AIG taken at night just after demolecularization. Tiny particles of the CEO are there, somewhere.