Links

by Blodwyn Smythe, Court On High Reporter

SEDONA: United States Supreme Court Justice David Souter is retiring at the end of the current court term, giving President Obama his first chance to name a member of the high court and begin to shape its future direction.
Five justices are older than Souter, 69, ruling out age as a factor. So far as anyone knows, he is in good health. But he has made it clear for some time that he wanted to leave Washington to return to his native New Hampshire. Factors in his decision no doubt include the election of President Obama, who would be likely to appoint a successor attuned to the principles Souter has followed as a moderate-to-liberal member of the court’s more liberal bloc over the past two decades.
Given his first appointment to the high court, President Obama has selected New York Appeals Judge Sonia Sotomayor .
Enter Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric. With previous names of possible Supreme Court picks having been battered about like a shuttlecock at a senior's badminton tournament in south Florida, Sir William Randolph threw his beret into the ring and let it be known that he was interested in giving the country his opinions.
At a hastily called press conference held outside the barn at the Sedona Arts Center, Sir William addressed a huge crowd of reporters from as far away as Jerome, some curious onlookers and a few passers-by to disclose the reasoning behind his decision to become a member of the Supremes.
"I have called you all here to this hastily called press conference to disclose the reasoning behind my decision to join the Supremes," Sir William began, donning a short, black robe with hairy legs revealed and suede Birkenstocks sans socks covering his neatly manicured feet. Underneath the robe jutted the collar of a yellow cotton v-neck shirt and the ribbons of what appeared to be a bolo tie.
"Look," he continued, "I have given this some serious thought and have come to the irrefutable conclusion that I am the most qualified person in this country to fill the impending vacant seat on the Supreme Court. I am a genius, I have settled many disputes among my workers, as well as between city bureaucrats and the general public. I can even settle a serious oral argument between two women over who gets to accompany me to dinner. Just check out my record. It's been documented in the near 20 years of front page reporting in the Sedona Excentric, and even some of it in other publications strewn about this town." "Excuse me, Sir, but I was under the impression that President Obama had already selected a female appellate judge to the high court," piped a reporter from Sedona's small, other paper.
"There is some truth to that rumor, sonny," retorted Sir William, dropping an olive and a twist into a perfect, dirty Bombay gin martini. "She was on his short list, along with others, including our one-time Governor, Janet Napolitano. But if he selected Janet, he would then have to select and get confirmed another head of Homeland Security. Hell, we could be invaded by Canada, Texas, or Alaska or even some Bible belt state by the time Republicans approved another Homeland Security director."
"The word is he also considered Sotomayor because she is a member of the minority," the squeamish reporter pressed.
"If you are referring to the fact that she is an Hispanic justice," he answered, "by the time she reaches tenure, she will be in the majority. I still have some high friends in the Senate, where you have to go to get confirmed. And, by appointing me, they get it all. I once dressed as an Hispanic woman for a costume ball. I looked so good, I wore the same outfit to a city council meeting, though they never recognized me. I forced myself to listen to Snoop Dog in the back of my limo and have been accused of wearing a load of old pawn, turquoise bling. My favorite dishes are Asian, especially General Tsao's Chicken, Pad Thai and Lisa Ling. And, I'm even about a sixteenth Native American, twice removed. I just can't prove it. I'm like the smorgasbord of counsels, the balanced buffet of barristers, A-1 advocate. I am Diana Ross and the Supremes.
"My friends, I am the choice selection to sit on the High Court. After considerable thought, I've determined I can't get higher than this."
With that, he gestured to the raucous crowd and ascended into his waiting limousine.