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by Blodwyn Smythe, The Lovelorn Reporter

SEDONA: Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric addressed a coterie of local reporters who braved the blustery winds and chilling temperatures near the "Y" in front of Blackmarr's Furniture in Sedona to learn of the cancelling of Valentine's Day, the Holiday of Love. Sir William addressed the crowd, "I have called this hastily called press conference to explain the reason behind the cancelling of Valentine's Day, the Holiday of Love.
"This should be a time couples, young and old, embrace and exchange niceties. You know, hugs and kisses, romantic dinners, flowers, cards, candy hearts, chocolate cherries, massages, jewelry, furniture, pets, automobiles, even an occasional liposuction and face lift package gift certificate. But, with everyone freaking out about the economy, people are instead vowing to shake hands and call it a day. How in the world do they expect businesses to stay in business if everyone is going to stay home on a Saturday night and watch some lame movie reruns on the boob tube? It would be like businesses cancelling their advertising when things are slow to save a little money. It's insane!"
"But people are struggling to make ends meet, Sir William. What would you have them do? Should they run up the debt on their credit cards," asked a not-so-loyal local reporter from some obscure paper.
"Absolutely! The last thing we need to do is stop living the undue elegant lives we have become accustomed to," Sir William shouted. "Look, I'm not saying we all should fly to Paris for some escargot or flee to Venice for a gondola ride or escape to some exotic island getaway, but I am saying we should drive to a local store and purchase something that conveys our love and affection towards our companion or companions, as may be the case," he continued, a big smile coming over his face. "Wrap that heartfelt acquisition up and present it to your Valentine at one of our fine restaurants while sharing a bottle of bubbly and some oysters Rockefeller. If you're more the burger and fries gourmet, go for it. Whip that sweet gift out while munching on some onion rings. And vegans can certainly lay out some stunning sterling silver jewelry while dipping their carrot sticks in the cucumber yogurt dip." "But, Sir, why are you cancelling Valentine's Day," asked some reporter from a small, other paper, obviously not paying attention.
"You obviously have not been paying attention," sniped Sir William. "I'm like the People Whisperer. If you want people to act a certain way, you reward them for their good behavior. While unacceptable conduct results in treats being held back or denied."
"Are you comparing people to animals," shouted some guy. "Or, are you more like the Ghost Whisperer working behind the scenes?"
Climbing the barstool brought out by his friend Dan Potter, owner of Blackmarr's with his wife, Peggy, Sir William responded. "I don't believe in working behind the scenes, although I happen to think Jennifer Love Hewitt is a real hottie. I'm more like a community organizer. I help people make the right decisions, but in subtle ways."
"Like the cancelling of Valentine's Day?" the guy pressed.
"Precisely," answered Sir William reaching for a mug of hot chocolate topped with whipped cream. "After cancelling Valentine's Day, people will realize the opportunity they missed to share in the joy of others, which, in turn, brings joy to them. Staying at home and being selfish will make everyone so miserable, that, come Easter, there won't be a yellow marshmallow chick, chocolate bunny, Hallmark card, or fake grass and plastic egg-filled basket left on a store shelf in town.
"People will be decked out in new outfits, parading around in their new cars and trucks, celebrating every holiday and occasion available; from Fat Tuesday to Passover, from Earth Day to Arbor Day. I wouldn't be surprised if the celebrating began with St. Patrick's Day and continued right on through to Flag Day in June; all because they learned how to behave from my cancelling Valentine's Day."
"What about Father's Day," another guy queried.
"Failure to celebrate Father's Day will be forgiven. For some reason, fathers around America are satisfied to barbecue, drink beer and nap in the hammock. A simple "World's Greatest Dad" mug will suffice.
With that, he gestured to the shivering crowd and ascended into his waiting limousine.

Above is a picture of one of the ways some people celebrate Easter with their pets. The pets are helpless, unsuspecting victims.