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by Blodwyn Smythe,
Man On The Street Reporter

SEDONA: Throughout the years newspapers and magazines have sent their cub reporters to America's sidewalks to gather opinions on current topics establishing a barometer of the political and social atmosphere. One question always remaining is whether or not the answers given are truthful or popular. After all, their picture and quote could be viewed by anyone who actually reads that publication and finds themselves perusing that particular article.
With that in mind, this reporter avoided the common street talk and went to the World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric, Sir William Randolph, to garner his opinions on a variety of subjects affecting average Americans today. BS: Let's begin with the hot topic in Arizona and around the country this month - the approval of the Sedona Sewer Subway System.
Sir: Well, BS, as you know, I have asserted that Sedona take advantage of their albatross of a sewer system and combine it with mass transit. I proposed they create a tube with a tube system whereby a visitor could park at the wastewater treatment plant and catch a ride through Sedona. It would be powered by the flush, so it would have regular stop and start times. It was to be called the Sedona Hydraulic Interpenetrative Transit System.
BS: Let's move onto another pressing timely topic - the rumor that the vortexes have somehow mysteriously left Sedona.
Sir: Blodwyn, my good man. When the feud began many years ago over who had discovered the vortices, Page Bryant or Dick Sutphen, I was in the throngs of establishing my publishing empire. While I am still here, a number of city councils and mayors and managers have come and gone, some literally. Page Bryant is in Waynesville, North Carolina and, on her own online biography gives no mention of Sedona or the vortices. Sutphen published a book in 1986 about Sedona vortices and is offering a Sedona Psychic Seminar in September. According to a rumor, Bryant came back to Sedona to declare the vortices missing. Some believe they're just tired - that they've had all the energy zapped out them.
BS: Do you believe in the mystical powers of Sedona?
Sir: Yes I do. I believe that the geological and geophysical properties of Sedona have a catalytic affect on people. If one was to arrive in Sedona a spiritually intuitive observer, their ability to divine would be enhanced. However, if someone were to approach the majestic red rocks with a maladjusted persona, their imperfections would be realized and intensified. In other words, come to Sedona a sage and become a wiser sage, come to Sedona a lunkhead and you just become a bigger lunkhead.
BS: What of the current fiscal environment? Any sense of when the economy will turn around? And who is ultimately to blame for the existing conditions? Sir: That was a three-part question, Blodwyn. First, the fiscal environment has stopped bleeding, wounds are bandaged and the healing has begun. We're older and this cut was deep, but it seems infection was prevented. Second, the turn should take a long time, like losing weight. You lose it fast, it's hard to keep off. You change your diet and exercise habits and it will improve slowly, but be longer lasting. Third, we're all to blame. We're a greedy, wasteful, disposable society. This was a wake-up call. Even though I don't trust the government, I trust Wall Street even less, and they're one rung up on the evolutionary ladder to oil barons. We need to learn to appreciate what we have. I, personally am learning to savor my Bombay gin martini by sipping it slower. I traded in my stretch limousine for a standard limousine. And, I cancelled my trip to Dubai for the annual camel races.
BS: What about the most recent Sedona City Council elections and the claims that the majority of residents don't want street lights and want Sedona designated a National Scenic Area?
Sir: No government should be run by a majority. It's been proven time and again we need checks and balances and myriad opinions. We need a variety of parties, including Tea, Coffee and other beverages. As for the Scenic Area designation, you can't get much more scenic than Sedona - protect it. To protect street walkers, I have initiated a "Wear White at Night" campaign. Forcing street crossers to wear reflectors was a bit over the top.
Sir William then gestured and ascended into his waiting limousine.

Pictured above is a t-shirt being made to be sold to people crossing Sedona's streets at night.Not only would ADOT and the city save money, they could turn a profit.