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| That Really Bunches My Panties!
by Brendon MarksComputer folks are pretty literal people. I suppose it comes from dealing with a machine that also takes things pretty literally. To a computer, B. Marks, Brendon Marks, Mr. B. Marks, and Mr. Brendon Marks are four different people, even if they all live at the same address. Computer people don't go to that extreme, but they're close. Computer people are also not known to be very funny, but they're generally pretty smart, and when you put literal and smart together you can get some funny results. Anyone who watches Sheldon on the TV show “Big Bang Theory” knows what I mean.
I remember the time when the maintenance department installed an ice machine near the computer department at the company where I worked. Of course it had to have a drain, but it was a small drain intended to accommodate the occasional melting ice cube, not to be used to empty coffee mugs or 44 ounce soft drink cups. It wasn't long before the drain was plugged and maintenance had to be called. After clearing the drain the maintenance man posted a sign on the front of the ice machine that said, "This is not a sink." In less than a half-hour other signs started to appear. One read, "This is not a range."
Another said, "This is not a refrigerator." By the next day the ice machine was completely covered with signs, each proclaiming what it was not, nuclear reactor, ’57 Chevy, bobsled, etc. The computer folks thought this was hilarious. The maintenance department felt differently.
I overheard a chat between two programmers in the corridor. One mentioned his stepson trying out for high school football. The other asked how long the first guy had been married; the first guy says twenty-six years. When the second guy asked how he could be married twenty-six years and have a stepson young enough for high school football, the first guy explained; “Twenty-two years with my first wife, and four with this one.” Which raises an interesting question about which anniversary he celebrates.
Being very literal may cause some little annoyances between spouses as well. For example, when my wife asks me if I would like Italian or Chinese, the correct answer is yes or no, any other response is not answering the question that was asked, but she doesn't always see it that way. My sister-in-law (when she calls) now asks if she can speak to her sister “now,” just to avoid any confusion.
As a society, we need those literal people. Sometimes they can be annoying, but they provide an anchor that we can count on. Otherwise, we may start seeing road signs that tell us the next town is a “Fur piece” or “Over yonder” instead of the number of miles. Unfortunately, the only place these literal folks seem to be socially acceptable is in sci-fi settings, dealing with computers, machines and androids. And there seems to be more of them in these settings. Does that mean that we are gradually evolving in that direction or does it mean that the writers have discovered that it is more believable for a Mr. Spock to solve the complex problems of the universe than Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor or Homer Simpson? In case you haven't been paying attention, the answer is yes.
I notice though that these sci-fi settings are always way in the future, so that there is no chance of any of us living to see that year and asking, "Where's all that stuff you promised?" An obvious exception to that observation is "2001: A Space Odyssey," I wonder how many times that movie has been shown since 2001 and one of those literal people has picked the movie apart pointing out all the things that have come true and all the things that have not. See that's what I mean, we need those folks to keep us on track.
Sometimes it can be fun, being literal. The next time you shop for groceries and the checkout person asks, "Paper or plastic?" just say "Yes." When they look at you in puzzlement, explain that you are "bisacksual." If you live in a small town, you'll set tongues wagging for days.
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