KOZMIK KORNER
BY LUSH GUMBALLQ: I've been seeing a lot of books, magazine articles, television shows and movies about Armageddon, the End of Days and the Mayan Prophesies of December 21. 2010. Even if there is there to be only a major shift in the thinking and spiritual activity of mankind, could all of this cataclysmic gobbledygook paranoia actually cause something horrible to happen. I don't mean volcanic eruption, earthquakes and floods, but might they manifest manmade disasters like wars, genocide, species extinction and famine?
A: Wow! Now I'm totally confused. I was preparing for the Harmonic Convergence. But if the end is coming, I have to do something with all these cases of Oak Creek Brewery Nut Brown Ale. Then, if it comes, it comes.
Q: I recently divorced and moved from Colorado with my dog to a small house in Wickenburg, AZ once occupied by my son and daughter-in-law. Within a few days, I heard big band music, had electronic devices turn on and off by themselves and felt the presence of an angry apparition that once scared my dog into wetting the couch. My son admitted strange things happened when he lived there, but didn't want to alarm me. I moved to Sedona and haven't been haunted since. Do poltergeists follow people?
A: Arty Shaw or Benny Goodman? From what I hear, people in Sedona are only haunted by recollections of City Council meetings.
Q: Every time my mother’s clock stops for no apparent reason — like having forgotten to wind it or broken down — someone close to her has died. This happened when her mother was dying, her brother, her two sisters, a niece, etc. Could it be some type of telekinesis where my mom knows someone is going to die and she makes the clock stop. I have felt that I could move small objects, like I used to control dice while playing Yahtzee. Is my mom controlling the hands of the clock?
A: As for the deaths and the clock, I think it was just their time. In regards to you controlling dice - get your derriere to Vegas at once and roll dem bones.
Q: I rented a house in Cornville, AZ for one summer to work on a book I was writing. One night, while readying for bed, I saw something scurry in the hallway to the bathroom. When I got there, I saw what appeared to be a troll or ogre grunting, going through the cabinet under the sink. When I approached it, it dashed off. Could there be little people living in Cornville?
A: It was probably Danny Devito looking for his lost Oak Creek langostino. Doug (Rabbit) Sutherland,
Minister of RealityTHE WHISKEY FAIRY
The Whiskey Fairy’s missing; she’s
Been sampling her wares!
She drank up all her Ancient Age;
It caught me unawares!
I don’t know why the Fairy took
A liking to my mug
But every week she fluttered by
And left a little jug!
The first week it was Barclay’s, and
The second, Old Grand Dad;
The third was Hiram Walker, then
Four Roses! Not too bad!
Black Velvet launched the second month!
The Chivas was a dream!
Then Early Times and Seagram’s and
Jack Daniels and Jim Beam!
Six months I got the bottles, but
Today I got the tab!
The Fairy’s off the wagon and
Needs cash for her rehab! | 
