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by Blodwyn Smythe,
Sleigh Away Reporter

SEDONA: The North Pole has been frozen for 100,000 years. But according to scientists, that won’t be true in the near future. The top of the world is actually melting. The thinning of the ice became noticeable some years ago, forcing Arctic animals to migrate farther and farther north. Inuit hunters are finding stranded walrus and seal pups stranded and dying on floating ice. Where only a few months ago experts were predicting that if the present rate of warming continues unchecked there could be no sea ice left in the Arctic by the end of this century, the latest climate calculations indicate the seas there could well be totally ice-free by 2040, the specialists warned.
The situation is so grave that Kris Kringle, Old Saint Nick, yes, Santa Claus himself, a long-time resident of the North Pole has decided to relocate, with Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and a couple of elves, to the moderate climate of Sedona. The migration is expected immediately following the completion of delivery of gifts to good little girls and boys this Christmas.
Sir William Randolph, CEO of the public relations firm that represents Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, as well as being the World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric, let reporters take turns sitting on his lap at T. Carl's in Poco Diablo Resort. Each was allowed one question, much like a child's gift request from Santa.
Unbeknownst to the reporters, Sir William was wired and recorded each question and answer for this exclusive account.
"Tell me, Sir William," asked a young, new reporter from Sedona's small, other paper, "Why did Santa choose Sedona over other, more popular cities in the world?"
"He and the Mrs. had vacationed here a coupled of times in the off season and enjoyed the animated arts of the area," whispered Sir William. "They especially enjoyed the outdoor events, as well as the brewery and wineries. Mrs. Claus has had a knee replacement and the titanium freezes up periodically. The reindeer can graze along the highway where the effluent is used to grow weeds. And he also thought his presence might reverse the perverse city decision on the designation of the National Scenic Area."
It seems that Santa agrees with many that not only has Christmas become too commercialized, so too has Sedona. Rather than preserve the natural wonders of Sedona for locals and visitors alike to enjoy for years to come, some council members appear to enjoy the addition of buildings and boutiques in search of quality tourists, killing the goose that lays the virtual golden egg.
"Why did only a couple of elves come with him?" asked a representative of some national magazine.
Sir William placed his bearded lips close to the reporter's ears, "He studied some of the popular discount stores' hiring practices. Many elves had gone union and planned a massive strike, complaining about the lack of health care benefits, cutbacks and forced early retirement. In Sedona, Santa can employ senior citizens on a part-time basis and avoid constantly rising health insurance premiums. The elves that chose to join him have been on his payroll long enough to be a part of the Cobra insurance assistance."
"Has Santa told you whether lining both sides of the highway through Sedona with streetlights will aid him on deliveries?" questioned some freelance reporter.
Sir William sipped from his flask filled with Bombay gin martinis and smilingly offered, "I sat with Santa well after the department of transportation representative declared there would be lights no matter what the Sedona residents felt due to liability and safety concerns. Santa felt there were alternatives. Unfortunately, the city leaders are willing to pay the annual electric bill and cost of ambient lighting, but not for a crosswalk system like the one being utilized in Tucson. Santa himself has safely crisscrossed those roadways and, while his elves are diminutive in stature, they too were able to safely traverse the streets of Tucson. He also mentioned that priorities need to be met when budget concerns were causing ADOT to announce the lay off 115 employees. What about their Christmas dreams?"
"Where will Santa and Mrs. Claus reside in Sedona?" the final reporter queried. "Just continue to write him at the North Pole. His mail will be forwarded," Sir William answered.
With that, Sir William gestured to the crowd saying, "A good night to all and to all a good night. And God help us, everyone."

Pictured above is Santa Claus, posing for an Arizona driver's license. Like Sir William, Santa listed his post office box as his legal address. Ho,ho, ho.