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by Blodwyn Smythe,
Sedona's Virtual Reporter

SEDONA: The fate of the virtual fence designed to cover most of the 2,000 miles from the tip of Texas to the California coast with radar, cameras and sensors to detect illegal crossings was in doubt after Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano held back funds, including $50 million in stimulus money, until a full assessment she ordered is completed. Hot on the heels of the freezing of funds, some people from the country that shares a common border to America's south have decided to declare war. Like the virtual wall, this would mostly be a virtual campaign.
Due to the current economic status of both countries and little relief indicated for the near future, high muckamucks from Ciudad Juarez in Chihuahua are considering, among other actions, a lawsuit against Paris Hilton and others who have maligned the reputation of the oldest breed of domestic dog on the American continent.
According to some animal behavioral experts, a Chihuahua craves attention, affection, exercise and being petted, can be hyper, is eager to please, yappy, and needs proper training. Upon a closer read, one might conclude the experts were indeed referring to Ms. Hilton and not the dog.
Another potential action rumored to be blowing northward involved removing all the Hispanic migratory workers, forcing the market price of produce to skyrocket in America. A head of iceberg lettuce or lemon could end up in the hands of the highest bidder. Growers fear this would lead to the planting of individual and community gardens, not only denying the corporate grower, but virtually shutting down many chemical, fertilizer and pesticide plants.
Not surprisingly, lobbyists from the health insurance industry could be seen roaming the Washington corridors passing out baseball caps and pens, secretly urging Congress and the President mandate Americans grow and consume their own fruits and vegetables. They firmly believe skinnier, healthier Americans will drastically reduce their burden on future health costs.
Finally, some south-of-the-border elitists have demanded American refineries stop pointing at OPEC for the price of crude oil, when everyone knows that Mexico is second only to Canada as the chief supplier to the United States. No longer can Mexico let Saudi Arabia take the blame for the high price of gas in America.
Almost immediately following the Mexican crude announcement, a group claiming to represent Canada announced it was declaring a virtual war on the United States, just as soon as the Canadian currency declined from its all-time high against the American dollar. Upset by being referenced as a Communist and Totalitarian nation by Congressional Republicans due to their publicly-funded health care system, these Canadians are threatening to withhold their bacon from Egg McMuffins and discontinue the practice of sending some of their best entertainers to perform in the American arena.
Some highfalutin hoity-toity from America's top hat has threatened to recall Dan Aykroyd, Jim Carrey, Michael J. Fox, Norm Macdonald, Mike Myers, Celine Dion and William Shatner, to name a few. Some Americans said the grandioce Canadians could take back Pamela Anderson, but the rest were nationalized, bonafide Americans, no matter their origin. After all, we've all got to come from somewhere.
Canadians are also concerned that some displaced Americans may want to return home after the recently passed national health care legislation takes effect, drastically reducing their number of skilled workers. Oddly, entertainers are not considered skilled in Canada.
Tea Party baggers couldn't be happier about the virtual threats from wingnuts rumored to be representing Mexico and Canada. In fact, in some circles it is believed the rumors of threats were actually started by Mexico's tea party goers, known as the Tequila Party and its counterpart in Canada, thought to be the Canadian Club.
Not to be left out, Arizona legislators declared a virtual war on their own cities by closing and threatening to close popular state parks. Many are already shuttered with more slated to be locked by June. The Arizona State Parks Board website has been inundated with emails begging them to keeps the Parks open. Some suggested using funds from future prison sales.
The latest rumor was that some Vancouver company was considering a bid on Red Rock State Park to search for and mine molybdenum. Soon, the public may no longer be able to say grill, baby, grill.

Above is Pamela Anderson, the sexy siren from Baywatch. It's hard to understand why Americans would want to throw her back.